Heartbeat: Friends with an Ex
Is it possible to become friends with your ex? If so or if not, why do you think so?
Here’s a story about a lady that wants to become friends with her ex. Read through her situation and please leave your thoughts!
”
I want to be friends with my ex. I hoped it would be possible, but I’m not so sure it is. We broke up two months ago. Out of respect for him and our relationship, I’ll leave out specifics. Basically, we have very different ways of thinking and doing things and I had a hard time with some of the decisions he made in his life. When you’re opposites, a relationship requires that much more compromise and compassion. I felt I was doing both but getting none in return. This took its toll on our relationship and we ended it. It was a sad breakup and I was completely heartbroken for a solid month. I knew it was for the best, but sometimes the best decision is definitely not the easiest.
I hoped often that once we got past the messy emotions from the breakup, we would be able to be friends. I am not friends with any of my past men, but things ended sourly with all of them. This breakup was a kind and respectful breakup, so I figured maybe since we parted on good terms, there was a chance at friendship. He reached out to me via text a few weeks ago. What he wrote made me happy and hopeful that we would be in each others’ lives after all. “I hope you are well. I miss your friendship,” he wrote. I sent back a similar response and was pleased that we had taken the first small step in the right direction.
From there, it has been downhill. In the last few weeks, I’ve received random, absurd texts like “Hey are you caught up on True Blood?” (A show we used to watch together.) “My assistant may go work for one of my competitors,” was another message. And the last one I got a few days ago “None of my friends want to go see the new X-Men movie with me.” I handled the first few random texts as well as I could, with short, simple responses. The last one, however, I had no patience for. What was the POINT of this announcement? “Are you asking ME to be your movie-watching buddy?” I curtly replied. I haven’t heard from him since. Yup, he never responded. Again… What. Is. The. Point.
WHY is this such a difficult thing? This man and I shared the better part of a year together. We shared holidays and birthdays. Met families and friends. Created a million memories together. I want to be able to transition from “couple” to “friends.” I really do. But maybe I’m being naïve. Maybe it’s just not possible. Too messy, too much history and emotions and potential for miscommunication and misinterpretation. How irritating.
I used to have a bunch of guy friends in high school, college and through my mid-twenties. The older I got, the harder it got to keep guy friends. They drifted away or, more commonly, they got girlfriends who didn’t appreciate them hanging out with a girl, so the guys chose their girl over me. That happened a lot, and it was hurtful. Now I have NO guy friends. It’s hard to connect with men on a platonic level. And it sucks. I would love to have a guy to just hang out with. I guess this is why I’m taking this bumpy boyfriend-to-friend transition attempt so badly. I feel like I always get the short end of the stick in this area. Perhaps it’s too soon to try to do this. Hell, I don’t know.
I guess time will tell what happens between me and my ex. We respected each other enough to realize we weren’t working as a couple. Can we respect each other enough to form a new type of relationship? I remain hopeful, but with a little more doubt thrown in. I would love to hear other readers’ experience and feedback on this tricky topic.
“
If you enjoyed this post, please share with your friends!
If you have your own story that you’d like to share, please Share your Heartbeat! We would love to post your story so others can chip in and help.
Check out some of our past Heartbeat stories:
Heartbeat: Obesity and Physical Attraction
Heartbeat: Broken Childhood Love
Heartbeat: I like you but I like my Guy friends too
Heartbeat: Friends with Benefits?
Helli there. I, too, have asked myself many times if people can be friends with their ex. My answer is simple: sometimes. I have been friends with exs in the past but only after awhile of space given to allow us both to move forward and get over lingering feelings. Sometimes it works and sometimes it just doesn’t and for many different reasons. It seems to me like in the man in the story reaches out in a somewhat unsure way. Seemingly throwing out the idea of being movie buddies and things like that. It seems like he is maybe unsure of what to say or how to go about things after the break up. It could also be that he is not over it and wants another go at it. It could mean anything really. Only he knows for sure. But I wouldn’t read too much into his texts. Yes, there may not really be a point to saying no one wants to go see the new xmen movie with me. Or there may be a point. He may have been throwing it out there to see your reaction and catch your vibe from that. But he may have just been expressing random afternoon thoughts that many of us do have. It is tough no matter the situation to be friends with an ex. I hope that it works out as it seems you two do still want to be in each other’s lives.
LikeLiked by 1 person
i can’t become friends with my ex. I can’t imagine it. it’s impossible… Pour la simple et bonne raison que mon amour dominera toujours la relation qui pourrait s’installer. Ce serait trop difficile. Après une histoire si forte, si belle… l’imaginer avec quelqu’un d’autre devant moi.. I can’t. Quand il y a trop d’amour, il est difficile de concevoir une amitié.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am friends with my ex husband. We have a great friendship, and he is on good terms with my boyfriend. It’s essential since we have two teens together. As I write this he is staying with us for two weeks visiting the kids, and worked on my car. You can be friends if you are willing to see past the flaws that broke you up, and not judge what is going on in their new life. And for the example you used “I’d say YES he was asking you to be a movie buddy. That’s what friends do. Your reply was cold, possibly judgemental, and scared him away. “
LikeLiked by 1 person
I definitely think that you can be friends with your ex but it all depends on your circumstances. I am friends with my ex and we make better friends than when we were together.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is possible to be friends with ex’s, it just takes some time , honesty and courage for both sides
LikeLiked by 1 person
I find being friends with an ex is easier said than done. Sometimes, even after a mutual relationship – when you’re with them you miss the comfort and happiness they did provide in the relationship. This- I found, takes time to get over. Out of my relationships I was able to maintain a civil relationship with two guys – but only after two years. I still find myself missing them but I’ve moved on a reaLized its for the best. If you try and force a friendship too soon, you’ll usually end up feeling distain towards the other because you end up frustrated. Even if it ended mutually there are probably still feelings hidden away. I would sit back and not force it, give it time and space… Maintaining a friendship after a relationship takes time
LikeLiked by 1 person
From the way you describe your former lover’s recent communication with you, it’s clear that you think his texts are trivial, casual and not at all what you hoped for. What do you expect from him, in regards to communication? (More frequent texting, an occasional phone call? A weekly face-to-face meeting?) Have you initiated a “text conversation” concerning a topic of greater depth? What were the contents of his texts when you were a couple? Have you told your “ex” how you feel or what you need or hope for from him?
There’s no simple, “one size fits all” answer to the question “Can former lovers become good friends?” Whether or not you can be friends with your “ex” depends upon you, your former boyfriend/girlfriend and the relationship you once shared. It’s complicated, but definitely worth consideration, in my humble, hopelessly romantic opinion. After all, what’s better than a friend who knows and loves you, flaws and all, even on your bad days? I’m blessed to have someone just like this in my life; we both cherish each other and our love that abides, albeit in a new framework.
Based on my experience, here are some instances in which there’s the possibly of transitioning from lovers to friends:
1. Both parties realize they’re headed for different life-paths and must go their separate ways, with sadness, but no hard feelings.
2. A valuable opportunity arises for one of the people involved, but it entails moving far away from their partner, who wants to stay put.
3. As time goes by, it becomes evident to one partner that their needs are not being met and to continue the relationship would require an unhealthy compromise.
4. An important, but not hurtful, deal-breaker emerges and it’s presence makes continuing the relationship impossible. For example, your lover becomes a heavy smoker or drastically changes his religious/spiritual beliefs or confesses that she actually hates “Seinfeld.” (A “hurtful” deal breaker would be sleeping with your best friend.)
4. A tragic accident or serious illness severely affects one of the partners, who encourages their love to prepare to continue their life without them.
I must say, if I’m deeply in love and get dumped, it’s impossible for me to transition to friendship immediately. Why, you ask? I’m in shock and can’t be sure what my emotions will be, from one moment to the next. My loss needs a grieving period. I try to never talk with anyone when I’m angry. And it’s torture for me to see someone I love with another woman. Sometimes, you simply can’t make the transition from lover to friend, for any number of reasons. And it’s perfectly OK.
I wish you well! And if the friendship with your “ex” doesn’t work out, at least you’ll have learned something about yourself and that thing called “love.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on delliott1995's Blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you all for the feedback. It was I who originally wrote this post. I appreciate my new WP buddy The Fickle Heartbeat’s repost. I read all the comments – great opinions to ponder. (And luckily, I understand basic French, haha.) Because this topic got me so riled up, I figure I still have too much emotional attachment. I think allowing more time to heal wounds will give us a better shot at forming a friendship. We shall see. It is great to hear other people’s thoughts and experiences.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for leaving a comment! It’s so good to hear that this site has been able to help you out a bit 🙂 I really wish the best of luck for you!
LikeLike
I think being friends with an Ex is just impossible. Because chances are its either I still love her or I dont
LikeLiked by 1 person
Honestly, it’s probably best to just protect your heart and move on from the situation. My recent break up was horrible. I dated my best friend of a year and we dated for a month. He broke up with me and told me he wanted to stay friends but then made it impossible. I tried to hold on and just got hurt more. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel the guy just is use to you being there with him. He does not want anything more. He said he misses your friendship (i find people saying that totally selfish) he did not say I miss “our’ friendship. At time you have to see the words that other person is saying even small words like I and US makes a huge difference.
You can become friends with your ex but in your case i dont think so. I feel you are giving too much thought to the guy and in return you are getting none.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read something once that stated “Sometimes he’ll text you because he’s just rembered you or he just wants you to remember that he’s still there and can make an impact on your life, not necessarily because he still cares” (I’ve completely paraphrased that lol) but the real thing to consider is, if you felt your efforts in the relationship were not reciprocated would they be reciprocated in a friendship which is less serious and is meant to take less effort?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you can be friends with an ex in due time, but part of the problem in this case to me seems like she doesn’t REALLY want to be friends. Those “absurd” texts he was sending? That’s communicating with a FRIEND…letting them know what’s going on in your life is part of it. Maybe if she doesn’t want to hear about things like that she doesn’t really want to be friends with him after all.
LikeLike
Pingback: Heartbeat: Friends with an Ex | itssiyan
I used to think you could stay friends with your ex, I really did. In fact, I was friends with several of them until one or the other was pushed away because our presence in each others lives was cause for upset or we naturally drifted away because our new relationships blossomed. I used to be proud of the friendships I had managed to keep, but looking back, it was often not a healthy friendship anyway – still relying emotionally too heavily on one another, or flirting incessantly. If you manage to maintain a friendship with your ex and it isn’t like still being in a relationship, then a huge amount of kudos to you. Good luck, either way!
LikeLike
I am not used to think that it’s really possible to have a genuine and close friendship with one of your ex. First of all It’s something that depends on so many thing. It depends on how you are, it depends on how the other person is, it depends on how you split up and second of all, even if you can, it’s not really a friendship, you just say hi if you see him on the street or you just send him a text on his birthday but this is not really a friendship. Sometimes it can happen but it’s really rare…
I wish I am wrong and that you can make it….
LikeLike
Pingback: 10 reasons why you can’t be friends with your Ex10 reasons why you can't be friends with your Ex - The DailyPedia