How His Moodiness Pushed Me Away
Shared by Nina Rubin
”
“Song-writing is therapy for me. I’m a very moody person, very difficult to live with. There’s a lot going on and a lot of contradictions. My life is always one step away from disaster.” — Gary Numan
It wasn’t the distance. It wasn’t the differences in what we each like to do. It wasn’t the religion or cultural uniqueness. All of those attributes were what I valued and liked about him. For me, the deciding factor in leaving a relationship I was once in was his moodiness and lack of communication.
This man was the epitome of masculinity: he was tough and liked action films, he spoke carefully with an economy of words, he did “man” things. He treated me like a lady. At the beginning, he was an angel sent to me to fit into my creative world. He had a profession that was more regimented than my flexible lifestyle and he appeared super stable and happy. He spoke honestly and made ethical decisions. He took things seriously, not wanting to waste time or energy. I was attracted to many things about his character and aura.
After knowing each other about two months, everything crumbled. Or, perhaps that’s not what happened. I had either been seeing a rosy colored view of him or this was him and the rest was also there but he was going through a very difficult period in his life.
He began to talk less, and appeared stiff and rigid when we were together. He greatly pulled away and I felt a need to come closer. I wanted to talk and address what was going on and he wanted no part of that. Instead of telling me what was bothering him or even saying he needed space, he took to stonewalling me. What an awful feeling. Have you ever been stonewalled? Have you ever been in the same room with someone who has decided not to talk to you or look at you? Trust me, it sucks. Doubts crept up and so did anxiety that I hadn’t seen in years. I thought that part of me was gone. Nope. His coldness triggered me to wonder what was wrong with me?
I started noticing moody temperaments in guys everywhere I turned. I spoke about it with women. We concluded that it’s predominately a male trait learned in childhood.
Some women are seen as crazy and guys may be creepy. However, I rarely hear of guys being castigated for their moodiness, but if a gal emotes too much, she may be labeled hysterical. Even today, lots of young boys are taught to fight back tears or swallow their lonely, frustrated, or sad feelings instead of talking about them. Girls are given license to cry or emote.
I attempted to define moodiness and this is where I landed: moodiness is the occurrence of unpredictable reactions, a negative mindset, a lack of openness to new ideas or people, a particularly sour or foul demeanor, depression in the form of irritation or agitation, or lingering anger or frustration that can’t be penetrated.
Moodiness may come as a result of many different feelings, and I can’t begin to speculate on all of them here. However, this is some of the common moodiness I’ve seen:
- He was overwhelmed
- He was overly tired
- He was unable to express his needs
- He was going through financial difficulties
- He was adjusting to a new job and city
- He was experiencing boredom
- He had a sour attitude
- He had a breakup
In each of these mini cases, I’ve been completely unsure how to deal with the situation. My mind has been scrambled eggs while trying to read him. Side note: reading his mind didn’t work. I was told not to take it personally but that was equally difficult.
It’s challenging for many women to date moody men. In my experience, I often think it’s my fault. I asked myself if I did something wrong. I surveyed my friends and we tried to analyze the situation. I asked each guy what was wrong and got answers like “nothing” or “it’s just been a long day.” I pondered what could possibly be bothering him enough to ignore me for days on end or to stay stuck so long? Why was he burning daylight holding this grudge? Why wouldn’t he talk to me (or someone)? I didn’t understand what was going on.
It’s come down to the basic principles of trust and communication. I get how hard it is to show vulnerability, especially in a new relationship. We never want to appear weak or needy or have too many problems. And yet, we are human and we have shit in our lives that affects us. I don’t think we give our significant others and friends enough credit, however. I’d like to think of myself as a reasonable, loving human and can handle just about anything someone tells me, and I believe most other people carry similar traits. I don’t typically judge and would never dream of being mean when someone has come to be with a problem (it’s even what I do for work!!). However, when someone doesn’t try to talk to me, I can’t do it anymore. When he doesn’t try talking to anyone, I reach a breaking point.
It has come to my attention that the moodiness is a giant deciding factor, and so is the communication around it.
I’m attracted to men who are clear and open communicators. Spending lots of time with someone who is resentful, unwilling to share, or bitter is a big letdown. I know how callous this sounds. Yet, I’ve learned how to communicate my needs and, frankly, expect my partner to be able to do the same or to at least TRY.
After discussing this with some self-proclaimed moody guys, I learned that they often need a hug or physical touch, a sandwich, and a nap. But, if the moody problem persists, they keep reminding me not to take it personally. Thus, the best course of action is to keep doing my things and give him space to process. I was told not to try to fix it, but to be available if he wants to talk. Okay, but what if he never wants to talk and I need to process how his distance has pushed me away? Well, then there could be a compromise on both sides: one person may need to talk a little more candidly so the other understands and the other person may need to back off.
My advice to a moody person:
- Notice what you’re feeling. Sit with it and identify what the feeling actually is.
- Talk to someone, especially your significant other, and ask them to listen without judgment
- Try to let it go.
- Ask yourself: is holding onto this serving me? Is it making the situation rectify itself easier? If so, create a plan to right the problem. If not, let it go.
- Forgive yourself for being stuck.
- Forgive someone else who’s wronged you.
- Reset.
I realize this may seem oversimplified, especially if you’re in a mood right now. But trust the process. It will all work out and acting out won’t make the situation better. Instead, it pushes away people who care and love you.
“
Do you love to write? If you have a story, article, post about dating or love, please Share your Heartbeat! We would love you feature your writing.
Thank you!
I understand what your saying. After a while it begins to fall into a passive aggressive kind of weird category. 😉 G-uno
LikeLike
Yes it got so weird. Like I wanted to “one up” him. Really, it would have worked better to be kind and for him to figure out a way to express himself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Even if some one has difficulty sharing their emotions they can at least try. I’m betting if he had even attempted to share what was going on with him it would have completely changed your approach. I’m sorry you were treated that way. G-uno
LikeLiked by 1 person
You completely get it. If he’d tried, everything may have gone differently! Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
My newest post is about choice and often forgetting we can make other choices. http://Www.afterdefeat.wordpress.com
LikeLiked by 1 person
I look forward to reading it. G-uno
LikeLike
Two people have to talk to each other, also listen, or they might as well burn bridges.
LikeLiked by 1 person
His communication style was probably never going to synch with him and he’s reverting to learned behaviour for dealing with issues. Our behaviour centres on our conscious and unconscious beliefs about ourselves. There are so many beliefs stored in our complex personalities.
Feeling unlovable may mean that people unconsciously sabotage relationships thus reinforcing the fact they are unlovable. Maybe we need a whole article on emotional baggage and the issues.
Good luck finding a man with a compatible communication style.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is so true. And it can take months/years for someone to shed or even fully acknowledge emotional baggage they’ve carried around since childhood. And as partners, oftentimes we don’t have the patience to wait or try to see past the issues and focus on what we do love about them. And we all move on and continue our patterns – whether they be clinging too tight or distancing too much.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Paragraph 7 resonated loudly with me as did paragraph 2 after your first bullet points.
#1.the differences in how the male and female moodiness is perceived in the world..men are not castigated or castrated..but women sure are labeled…there could be some men however that are loving and emotional that are labeled…unfair on either case/but ive learned life is not fair
# 2. “often feel it is my fault”..especially when told over and over it is….after a while…erodes the self esteem.
If we wore our hearts outside of our body..maybe others would understand what we are going through or enduring…
….to sum it all up….if one can ‘feel’ at all and not an unfeeling zombie…in my book is a plus! Just give me a box of tissues…I’ll lend you mine if you need them…we cry it out..hug, make up ..and then …’reset’!
It was a great piece. I’m sorry for your experience but you were so gracious to share your story…and it will help a lot of people…bottom line..men and women each have value…we just need to recognize it in ourselves and encourage it in others…:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for commenting! You’re right about the article on emotional baggage and its associated issues. I always remind myself people do the best they can with the tools they’re given at a certain period.
LikeLike
I agree! We all need to be able to share our stories and feel heard and honored for our experiences. Thank you!
LikeLike
I think it may help to look into attachment styles I relationships. Anxious types need more connection and communication and intimacy, whereas avoidant types need more space and independence. Neither is wrong. Just different. And then there are secure types who are easier for both the anxious and the avoidants to get along with. This is all science – based. (attachment theory)
LikeLike