In Search for Trust
Shared by Tea Spile.
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So my ex had a personality disorder which made it really hard to be with him and which in the end caused me to leave as I was beginning to feel afraid of him. He took away my self-esteem, made me think that I did everything wrong and he estranged me from my friends by in cunning ways making me choose between him and them. It gradually got worse. When we started dating he was the best and most loving bf and I was so happy. I don’t remember how or when exactly he started showing his true colors, but when he did everything just got bad. It was like living in a minefield. I could never foresee what would trigger his anger. It could be really small things e.g. that I’d forgotten to buy milk – then he would yell at me, his eyes would turn cold and hard, he’d get all up in my face and act threatening. If I started crying it would only make him more angry and make him yell even louder. I stayed with him for 3½ years and then I got out just in time to save myself from being completely lost.
After that I had a long and wild single-life, where I told myself I shouldn’t be with someone again – the thought of the potential pain was just too much.
Then (of course) I fell madly in love with someone who’s now my boyfriend and whom I live with. It’s great, but the doubts are still in me and the fear of things somehow falling apart. Sometimes I can’t control my emotions and it is so hard to explain to my bf why I react so dramatically in specific situations. I’m still don’t trust other people like I should and I hate that I don’t.
Do any of you guys have similar experiences or do you somehow connect to any of this? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Here are a couple of poems that I wrote about the situation.
LOVE AND VIOLENCE DO NOT MAKE A HAPPY COUPLE
There is a Violence in you
In the words you claim are true
There is a violence in you
I saw it breaking through
It’s a Violence
Spitting in my face
It’s a Violence
Of a past you can’t erase
And the Violence
Will never go away
The violence
Is why I couldn’t stay
The Violence
Was stronger than us
The Violence
Destroyed my trust
And I keep asking myself why
I’m still too afraid to try
To love someone new
Why the Violence isn’t gone with you
It’s still here. Still making trouble
Love and Violence will never make a happy couple.
TRUST LOST AND FOUND
The trust I once lost
The trust I lost
Gradually
Faded away
Gradually day by day
The trust I once lost
You showed me a way
To find it again
Now it’s growing
Day by day
I give it to you
I give my all to you
The power
To make me whole
The power
To destroy my soul
I need you to understand
I need you to see
How letting go was dangerous to me
The trust I once lost
The trust I gave away
He took it from me
Only to betray
I’ve put it behind me
Or at least I’m getting there
With you by my side
I know I’ll repair
With you by my side
I won’t be scared
Best to you all
HigherMountainsLongerShadows
“
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Thank you!
I’ve been through a bullying/abusive type relationship and my last one wasn’t abusive, but I lost a LOT of trust for anyone else. It’s a reason it’s a cliché, but a true one…Time heals… =)
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Tea Spile, you sound as though you’re suffering from two things (that I’ve had the misfortune to experience, firsthand) — gaslighting and PTSD.
Your trust issues come from the gaslighting: a condition where someone tells you things aren’t the way you think they are, and you believe them, rather than yourself (because you trust them). Only, the problem is, they’re lying to you. And really, your own instincts were spot-on, but when you’re believing the lie, you’re building a foundation (of mistrust) on a false ground, and everything feels shaky for a long time, until you can learn to trust YOURSELF again.
The other things you talk about — the parts where you can’t control your emotions — this is where I’m concerned you may have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This is something you might want to see a professional therapist for. Preferably one who specializes in PTSD. It’s something you can overcome, but it’s good to have help doing this.
Hugs, TS! I hope your current bf is supportive of you. You sound like a wonderful individual — and a survivor.
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I have known for at least 15 years that my husband has NPD. He is the nice abuser, very covert in his ways. At home he is one person and when he steps out the front door he becomes the man the rest of the world sees. That is the man I fell for, not the one I live with. Science has learned a lot about personality disorders in these years, and I never thought just how bad it would get. The things he has done to tear our marriage apart and blamed me for it all. I’ll own my portion of the problems in our lives but somehow he cannot/refuses to see what he has contributated to them. I know he struggles inside with demons and mid life has just made it worse. I told him i’m tired and I thought a marriage was supposed to be two (imperfect) people working together towards a goal helping one another along to fulfill our dreams. But that’s not how it works at our house -we are not a team and that doesn’t work for me. I need who a partner boosts me up not tears me down. And I can’t continue this way it’s not working for me. I know it says they never change their ways , I hope he realizes this is the last opportunity he has to show me he means what he says otherwise I’m done. Why didnt I just walk? Because I don’t think he is so far gone that -he won ‘ be able to see his actions as hurtful. So he may change for us ir he will make changes too late for us and probably be better in his next relationship. I think once he sees me gone it will wake him up, just too late for us. So good luck to the next girl he puts his sights on – your going to need all you can get. Sad, so sad to see 20 years come to an end. I did not think I would be starting my life over in my 50’s. But better that than to slowly slip into oblivion. One day at a time.
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