13 Things I Hate About You

December 23, 2014 by heartbeatapp

A beautiful feature post by Single Strides.

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You hear mixed advice from everyone, even yourself. You’re convinced on Monday to put on a brave face and pretend you’re okay for the sake of it all. By Thursday you decide it’s better to really let it sink in. Truthfully there is no recipe for heartbreak. Maybe we think there is, myself included, or maybe it’s just us trying to fill space with lists and articles while the time passes and our hearts heal.

Either way, I know one thing is for sure. I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to pretend. I don’t want to play games just to make myself look a certain way. Yes, I want to be known for being strong. But guess what? I want to be known for love making me weak. Yes, I want to be known for being smart. But guess what? I want to be known for loving so much it makes me a little senseless.

Because sometimes, when you’re epically in love, your mind is a little fuzzy and your actions are questionable. But that fragile and sensitive side of me is one of the best parts of me, the best parts of love. There, in that place, you’re at your most vulnerable and that, to me, is the beauty about love – living in the vulnerable space.

So here is my weakness: I won’t pretend that I’m okay anymore. I’ve tried to write you out of me but I think I have a few thousand words to go.  So what if almost a year has passed? I’m sure there are brokenhearted out there like me. I bet they are pretending until they believe it’s true; but sometimes it’s okay to let go. Sometimes it’s okay to admit the pain. Sometimes you want to scream it out and yet you stay silent. If that’s you, then let me be your voice. Let me speak for you because, I already lost him, I have nothing else to lose.

These are all the things I hate about you:

1. I hate that I believed you when you told me that you loved me. That I saw it in your eyes and convinced myself for years that it was true.
2. I hate that I let you hurt me for so long. That I let you push me to the point that I didn’t know the girl you finally let go.
3. I hate all the things I let you do to me. That there were times that you so clearly proved that I deserved so much better than you.
4. I hate that you’ve called me since. That you’ve seen me since. That you’ve acted like you loved me since. Mostly because you looked me in the eye and had the power to look away again.
5. I hate that I got to know your family. That I liked them. Mostly because I saw myself as a part of it – all of it.
6. I hate that I can look back at such perfect moments that seem like a dream and not being able to pinpoint when they turned into a nightmare.
7. I hate that I moved for you, changed my dreams for you, and altered my entire life just to be with you. Mostly because I lost you as soon as I did.
8. I hate how hard I fought for you when you had already let me go.
9. I hate that a year later the memory of you can make me cry at a moments notice, or on the cab ride home.
10. I hate that the holidays are here and we’re not planning them together.
11. I hate that I still think you were the best thing to ever happen to me. Mostly because I’m not sure if something better will come along.
12. I hate that you can live your life willingly without me. Mostly, because I’m forcefully living mine without you.
13. I hate that all this hate I feel is a charade. Mostly because all I have the power to feel for you, is love.

Maybe 5, 10, 15 years from now my future self will want to dropkick me in the face for writing this. Maybe just a few months from now I’ll look back somewhat healed and all the hate will be gone. Maybe I will learn how to forgive you for the shards I carry in the place my heart used to be.

For so many maybes there is one thing I am sure of: today I wanted to feel. Today I wanted to admit that I’m still not okay. But that is okay. One day I will be. One day I’ll love myself more than I ever loved you. One day someone will compliment that love instead of complete it.

But today I wanted to vent to the brokenhearted. I hope them to know that it’s okay to feel. I hope they know it’s okay to admit it. Weakness is beauty because it means that we’re able to feel on a grander scale. Honesty is integrity because it means you’re not afraid to share your heart.

So yes, I’m still a mess. I’ll probably still read articles on heartbreak. I’ll probably write about them too. I’ll pretend like I know what I’m talking about when I don’t. All I know is that I hurt this powerfully because I loved equally as powerfully. And what a gift it was, to love this fiercely. I can only imagine what that forever-unconditional love will feel like. Maybe, one day, this weakness will be the greatest gift I could have.

Until then, for today, I feel. Sure this mascara made my face quite a mess – but it’s a beautiful mess of real emotions, and I feel better already.

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Please check out more of Single Strides’ great work on our Featured Writer page or her blog!

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