Hold your Tongue
When I was younger (immature to be more correct), I thought I had an advantage as a girl. As the girl, I was the one who could get mad, throw stupid tantrums, and yell out, “I don’t ever want to see your face again!” And he would have to apologize, beg and plead to have me back. Yeah, my first boyfriend spoiled me rotten, which resulted in many years of failed relationships oblivious to what I was doing wrong. Honestly, (cross my heart) I really didn’t know that guys could get their hearts broken too. I really thought they were immune to those “girly” (sad, mad, furious and annoying) feelings, so I barged into their lives, caused a ruckus, stirred up all kinds of trouble, and casually left when I felt like I needed my “space”.
It wasn’t until later when someone I really liked told me after a few months of dating,
“I’m done with this.”
“Hold on. What do you mean you’re done?”
“I mean I’m done you acting like the tyrant of the relationship, having everything your way, and not being considerate of anything else besides your needs and wants.”
Ouch.
I mean someone had to say it at some point, but it really hurt to have the truth laid out. I was so dumbfounded and stunned to say anything back, and he just left my life like that. No one had ever pointed out my wrongdoings nor did they blame me for anything. No matter what the fight was based on, it was never my fault, or was it?
Looking back at past relationships, I slowly began to reflect on my behavior on how I acted towards my boyfriends. When I was happy, I was the most angelic, sweet girlfriend, but when I was mad, I wasn’t afraid to scream out words that could stab his heart. His hopeless face meant that I won the fight, and I was actually proud that I was so good at arguing that I always had the last word. But obviously, I was stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
What I didn’t realize was that my words weren’t the only things that hurt, but it was the embedded idea that seemed to say that I wasn’t afraid to lose him. I took his heart for granted. I didn’t value him as much as he valued our relationship. It was then that I realized that I have to fix my ways if I don’t want to lose someone again.
Just because I had this realization or because I write these pieces doesn’t mean that I am now the perfect girlfriend and that everyone should follow my lead. No two relationships are the same, which means people realize different things at different times. The most important thing is that you want to and you’re willing to make this work, even if it means apologizing first, or biting your tongue even when you think you’re right.
Wait that 10 seconds before you blurt out those mean words, take a deep breath, think about the times when he made you feel so loved, and see where it leads you. Because hurting someone who loves you hurts you more, and putting a smile on his face makes you even happier.
omg. THANK YOU for sharing. This is ME. And I’m in the process of growing up…
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I’m so glad you can relate! 🙂 I myself am also in the process as well. 🙂
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Beautiful truth…it is so very healthy for humans to face our flaws and own up to the things we need to work on within ourselves…the path to healing is always Truth
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It’s just a long process for us to face our incapabilities, and admit our faults. But as hard as it is, the outcome of our growth is worth it. 🙂
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At one point I had a girlfriend who objected to me owning snakes. A family I knew was facing homelessness, and they could not move into the shelter with their snakes. No pets and all that.
So I provided a home for these snakes.
The girlfriend popped by my place several times a week, and after a LOT of ineffectual nagging, gave me the ultimatum – ‘either those snakes go or I do.’
I always wondered what happened to her.
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Haha! Poor lady. I hope your snakes are doing well. 😉
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“I really didn’t know that guys could get their hearts broken too. I really thought they were immune to those “girly” (sad, mad, furious and annoying) feelings…”
This is so true of many, many girls. As crazy as it sounds, in a way men kind of have to teach us how to treat them. I suspect biology is partially to blame, women aren’t really designed to fully empathize with men. LOL, of course anybody, myself included, is more than capable of just being a brat and wanting control. I’m not suggesting that biology is an excuse, just that I’ve heard so many women confess that they genuinely had no idea how hurtful they were being. It’s kind of fascinating that they couldn’t see it at the time.
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Yeah, it happened the same with me. It was like getting hit on the head. “How could I have missed that?!” kind of realization. 🙂 I guess I learned it the hard way~ thanks so much for your comment!
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Reblogged this on Random Thoughts… and commented:
Very True… Life Will Teach You The Lessons You Need… If You Are Willing To Listen…
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Awesome Post!!! I can relate to it on so many different levels!!! Thanks For Sharing!!
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Thanks for your sweet comment! Glad you liked it. 😉
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Reblogged this on Matilda the Moonraker and commented:
Should be mandatory reading right here. And the equivalent for immature men who have their own version of the same thing…not that it would change anything but to put the thought in their heads…maybe save one person from themselves down the road.
Thankfully I’ve never been the fit throwing type. (Bahahahahaha…uh-huh, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.)
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Wow. It takes a lot to be so honest with yourself. Love this. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you so much for your kind comment. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Lucy Loves Life and commented:
I can honestly say that I have been guilty of acting this way, and to have it put in my face the way she has, is brutally eye-opening. Such a brilliant read!
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I love this post. I wasn’t exactly like you with the whole attacking thing, but when I did get upset or angry about things I never thought that guys had feelings lol. It’s because of the way they treated me so, I assumed nothing I did affected them. But it’s not that they don’t have feelings, it’s that they express them differently than we do. I had to realize that growing up and watch how I say and do things because my partner can be affected by my actions. I really like what you shared though.
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Thanks so much. 🙂 you’re right. Guys tend to suck it in until they can’t take it anymore, so girls don’t really know until they explicitly express it. Learning and loving, they go together hand in hand, I guess. 🙂
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Am guilty of that too. Maybe not too extreme, but in a way I relate. Someone recently had to tell me of where and what am doing that’s wrong; despite his love for me, he chose to leave.
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Some people pass us by, shaping us into a more mature person for the next person to appreciate. 🙂
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That is a great post, well done!!
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Thanks! 🙂
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I felt you just told a part of my story. Bygones are gone, with my current boyfriend I can not be mad for more than an hour. There’s no point in hurting each other. Life is short, temper takes all away.
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You’re absolutely right. What’s the point of hurting someone you love, right? 🙂
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I used to be the same kind of person, who was easy on my mood swings. It was hard to change my behaviour but I lost a really important person and that reminded m every day…
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I think us women just need to learn it the hard way, don’t you think? 😉 As long as we don’t make the same mistake, I think it’s forgivable. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂
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I really enjoyed your article. It made several valid and useful points, it’s just a shame more people haven’t come to the same realization as you. I learned a long time ago that words can hurt worse than a hot poker to the heart. What you said is very true and speaking from a man’s perspective some of the women I’ve dated would act exactly as you described, or worse, and I was the usually the one expected to crawl back and beg forgiveness. Trust me, I’m not claiming I am perfect by any means, I’ve done my fair share of screw ups, but what I am saying is I’ve witnessed what you said first hand.
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I’m so glad you shared with me. Many times, men shy away from really telling women how they feel, making it harder for us to realize that you guys are also prone to emotions. None of us are perfect, but by learning little by little, I guess we start understanding the true value of selfless love. 🙂
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yeah that’s so fucking true. I guess there are a lot of girls who can relate, including me.
I was just wondering if your very last sentence is a selfish conclusion. what do you think?
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I guess everything we do is out of selfishness. I mean I love him not only to make him happy, but because it makes me happy too. 😉
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Reblogged this on THE UHM and commented:
Great ideology.
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Very good very good!! I enjoyed reading this alot
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Thanks so much!! 🙂
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That “10 second” rule could definitely cause us (men and women) a lifetime, unless otherwise, observed properly . Your experience, for one, speaks of that. Us, men, like it at times when women over-assert themselves to us (it is cute) but if it becomes too assertive and dominating and happens too often that’s when it (sort of) make us “think” about the relationship, and of course, vice versa. Thanks for sharing one important thing that I have already forgotten or not being aware of for so long now.
Like you post. Thanks 😉
Keep it coming
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Yeah, like you said, I don’t think many women (including me) don’t really know that men have tolerance. Haha. I’m learning it the hard way, but it’s definitely worth learning. Thanks for sharing your idea! 🙂
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This is a beautiful and insightful post. It’s sad learning our lessons the hard way, but even sadder when we never even learn our lessons at all. ‘M glad someone came your way to point out what you been doing wrong, and give you the jab in the nerves to come out of your comfort zone.
I hope the future gets better! Cheers.
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Wise words.
Thanks for the ‘Follow’! 😀
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Thank you for coming by to read my poetry. Reading your story about coming to understand your behavior relationship I just wanted to add that it’s important relationship is based on your feelings for someone and not just your pleasure in their attraction to you, A fact I gather you have learned. From the Male side the statement is a relationship is about how much I care for someone not just about how beautiful and desirable the person who cares for me is.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my poetry,
Alexander
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Reblogged this on Counseling TidBits and commented:
Here is some advice to watch what you say, but what I got out of it was this: “And the truth shall set you free”
Giving someone honest feedback, even if it may be upsetting, creates an opportunity for the “other” to take a look at themselves. Who knows – maybe they ponder… and change.
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