Heartbeat: Sex Drive
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I am a 22 year old woman, (sounds weird to call myself a woman as I certainly don’t feel like one) and I have a boyfriend. And that’s pretty much all you need to know for now. I’m just going to blabber on about my sex life for a while, (weirdly personal, I know) and if you feel like this might be interesting to you then please be my guest and read on. Otherwise keep browsing!
So, at the beginning of my relationship, that is to say the first couple months, I could be found complaining about my vagina hurting. The reason being not because I was plagued with spattergoit, (Harry Potter reference) but because of all the sex I was having with my boyfriend. It seemed that he wanted it 3 to 4 times a day. I am pretty easy going in this respect, and as it was the beginning of our relationship I wanted to please. However, there was one day when 5 times was enough and I could do no more. At any rate, you can gather that the boy liked his sex with me.
Now, 7 months into the relationship, things have slowed down considerably in the bedroom. And you must be thinking, oh this chick is just doin’ her stereotypical womanly thing and denying sex because she doesn’t feel like it, or has some how weaponized it against her boyfriend, thus the decline in the amount of sex. But no. Quite the contrary. My boyfriend completely flip flopped (in my opinion out of nowhere) into this creature that I sleep next to every night who tells me several times a day that he loves me, and even loves to cuddle before he falls asleep, but appears to no longer remember that I indeed HAVE a vagina. The sex drive just… gone like the wind.
And now… the problems arise. We have sex but he can’t finish. He blames me that I am pressuring him and he wants me to wait for him to initiate. But he never initiates. From having sex 2 or 3 times a day to 1 maybe 2 times a week in a very short period of time, I can’t help but think something is up? I am an affectionate person. I like to show people that I love them. I like to kiss my boyfriend, and before he never seemed to mind how much we kissed and now he says, “ya ya mi amor ya” (he’s Mexican) and if you can’t get what that means, it’s something along the lines of “okay ya thats enough babe”. And I feel like a crazy person. I try to initiate sex several times a day just to get some kind of reaction but no. Nothing. Always shut down. And on top of that, I’m told that I’m a crazed sex monger who needs to slow the fuck down with that raging vagina. Okay, maybe not in those words, but you get the point.
I’m not asking for validation of my relationship, or if he’s cheating on me or lost interest or blah blah whatever other insecure thing I might whine about. I simply wondered if I was being sexually overbearing? Am I the reason my sexual life has obscured itself into oblivion? Have I been too pushy? I certainly don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend if he feels like I’m holding a gun to his head screaming for him to put his penis inside me. That’s no solution to this problem.
And I realize that not every single man in this world is obsessed with his penis like we all make them out to be, but is once a day really asking too much? I am sensitive, and the rejection has obviously gotten into my head to the point where I feel like I have to blog about it… #Narcissist?
I have asked what is going on numerous times and I usually get defensiveness and excuses in response, no matter how delicately I approach the subject. I have also tried to back off and see if that would increase his desire to initiate but still no dice. The only time he initiates is if he or I has gone away and we haven’t seen each other for 4 or 5 days and he will unceremoniously pull my pants off and go on in. Where has the intimacy gone? He was never a romantic, but he was also not this in-and-out robot either.
I am whining a bit I know. But I have concluded that I am doing something very wrong, or there is something going on with him that has caused his sexual drive to plummet and he can’t get it back until he solves his inner issues that he refuses to share with me. Do I play the waiting game? Or do I do something more drastic? I live with him and we have a pretty serious relationship but I can’t help but be a 16 year old girl and overthink every tiny little detail until I have concocted a monsoon of negative thoughts that consume me, causing crazy emotional breakdowns.
Okay anyway just felt like speaking to anybody who reads blogs… so thanks for listening, or scoffing, or empathizing, or rolling your eyes, or sympathizing, or stopping after the first paragraph, or whatever else you did.
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Check out some of our past Heartbeat stories:
Heartbeat: Obesity and Physical Attraction
Heartbeat: Broken Childhood Love
Heartbeat: I like you but I like my Guy friends too
Heartbeat: Friends with Benefits?
Could be a case of sexual burn-out. Like anything, if you do it too much, too often, you eventually get to the point where it becomes a drain more than a pleasure. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the case. You may want to find ways to take care of your own sexual desires on your own if need be, but try not to take his lack of passion too personally. Hopefully with a little time he’ll come around and you two can find a pace that suits you both.
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I said work it out because I’ve been with my lady 10 years, the first three were rabbit-like, then we got married and had a wonder child. It’s now been over five years with no sex at all. This hurt immensely at first, but we’re still working it out. The drive to be a family has outweighed the need for sex. I’m not 22, but 55, so that is probably the biggest difference i our experience. It’s amazing how changes in sex life effect couples. But it can be overcome.
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Five years with no sex? Being a family includes a healthy, loving and intimate relationship between mom and dad…. not having to choose one or the other.
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Interesting post as a friend and I were talking about this similar issue. He believes and I might be inclined to agree that guys have a number in mind of how many times they have sex with someone before the shine wears off, some guys get to that number quick, ie 5 times a day…or they pace themselves.
Or there is something more going on, it has been my experience if I am losing interest, it may just be that his interests are with someone else.
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There could be any number of reasons why her partner is acting the way he is. My advice to her would be to confront her partner with whats on her mind. It’s obviously something that she feels strongly about and needs a definite response from her partner. I’d rather not speculate on what the issue is specifically, but if she is up front and honest with her partner about what is going on maybe she can gauge whether her partner’s sexual decline is a result of forces with in the relationship or outside.
Also, she should not feel ashamed or responsible because of her active sex drive (I can relate).
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I suggest communicatiing honestly with your boyfriend, if he is willing. A good relationship is all about listening and compromise, and if your needs are not being met and he doesn’t seem to care, eventually it will not work. Don’t ignore how you feel, speak up, stuffing your feelings about a lack of attention and physical contact (my guess is you would be happy with less than once a day sex if it was intimate and fulfilling) will only result in a definite end to your relationship.
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Hi, I have the same problem with my husband and it has been like this since marriage. We didn’t even have sex on our honeymoon. I have a overactive sexdrive and I have tried to pry him away from his computer for the past 2 years and nothing worked. He just returned from a 6 month deployment and I have told him (once again) my wishes for a more active sex drive. I knew he had low self-esteem but a 28yr old man shouldn’t NOT want sex, my therapist suggested a testosterone problem. a friend suggested a sex therapist. My husband did tell me that sometimes he’s still angry with me for being mean to him earlier that day. I wasn’t aware that I was being mean to him and that he was taking my comments so hard, but it has helped me and I think things will get better. Good luck!
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From personal experience if he’s not having sex with you, he is either having it with someone else or wishing he was having with someone else. Obviously, this is not true of every man. To talk things in the open between partners is always good advice 🙂
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I’m still underage so I was scared shitless when it happened. xD More so when the thing you said about the guy wanting to have sex with you 3-4 times a day happened to me during the first moments of our relationship. Like, please, I can’t even watch porn because the appearance of dicks scare me (though I wouldn’t turn down hentai.. xD).
Anyways, I can totally relate with you becuse after a year he slowed down while I wanted more, and I don’t think he’s fallen out of love with me or anything like that, and I don’t think your boyfriend has too; I just think they’ve learned to love instead of making love. I think sex is some sort of assurance that the person loves you; like you said you obliged before because you wanted to please him but could it be that he also thinks that the sex must have really pleased you because you were obliging so he kept on at it? It happens sometimes, like you’re doing this because you think the other person likes it when really they’re just going along with you.
It’s just miscommunication, it doesn’t mean that he just wanted you for your body because he liked to have sex with you or that he doesn’t love you anymore because he’s not having sex with you anymore. Have you talked to him about it in both cases? I once had assumptions about my boyfriend cheating or whatnot, but it’s because I never talked to him about it; I’d always assume and overanalyse things from his word structures or tone. But whenever I finally confront him about it, it always turns out I was worrying about nothing; just another case of overanalysing paranoia. Women, I swear. xD
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Reblogged this on skpfoto and commented:
A story of a WP blogger, please vote/comment to help her out!
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How old is your bf? If he’s in his late 20s it could be a testosterone issue. My husband’s and my relationship was much the same for the first two years of our relationship before marriage. He was a manager at a fast food restaurant, working 80 to 100 hour weeks and stressed as all get out. I took it very personal that he didn’t want to have sex a lot – sex was, at that point, how I validated my own self worth. He started workibg a more stable job about a year ago. Still long hours but a more consistent schedule, and now we have sex more regularly (about 10 times a month as opposed to 2). We have been together for a little over 4 years.
Try not to take it too personally. If you really love him, be supportive. Communicate openly and honestly. Use “I” statements, don’t accuse. If he is having performance issues, he is probably embarassed. Be patient with him. But if you notice him becoming very secretive and distant in other aspects of things, that should raise red flags.
I hope this helps.
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Speak soon
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Hey! I’m actually in a very similar situation. It’s difficult not to over think it. I often have days where it’s all I think about, and I get really upset about things. The difference in my situation is that my boyfriend lost his job a few months ago and has since gained a bit of weight. I am starting to think he might be depressed, and this is why things have changed in the way they have.
Regardless of me having this logical explanation, I still find it very difficult. I think the best thing you can do is be patient. I know it’s easier said than done (and trust me, it’s a struggle for me to follow my own advice!) but hopefully everything will get back to normal soon enough. I’ve suggested that my boyfriend sees a doctor, so if you can maybe offer that suggestion sensitively, it could be worthwhile? It could be a physical or psychological thing, but do your best to be supportive and understanding. And try not to blame yourself, either. You’re going through enough as it is without being too tough on yourself about the situation though, again, I know it’s very easy to assume it’s your fault. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
All the best!
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I have been in the exact same position,scarily so! You feel overbearing, like a sex crazed pest and worst of all you don’t feel like a real woman (well I didn’t) 3 months of it and turns out just as everybody told me we were beyond fixing and he ended it. I’m not going to pretend I know you or your relationship as everybody’s is so individual and back when I was in that situation I would swear blind to myself and others he loved me,it’d pick up again, he loved me, he told me he loved me and he held me but I will tell you you deserve to feel desired and sexy and like the only woman on this planet.
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I’m a guy in his late 40s who has been married twice. My point of view:
It’s not a sex problem; it’s an emotional problem.
Three to five times a day is bordering on sex addiction, but in the early stages of a relationship it’s not at all unusual either, so no problem there. It’s also natural to taper off after awhile too, but it shouldn’t go to the other extreme either, which is no sex at all. The only way that sex lives OUGHT TO work between couples (in other words, there is no “norm” outside the couple’s agreement with one another) is that each one is considerate of the other’s needs.
It’s typical for one partner to want it more than another, and in a case where both are considerate, the couple finds some kind of middle ground. Otherwise, what will happen is that one partner will be denying the other while the other partner will be demanding and frustrated (which will drive away the denying one further), sometimes to the point of infidelity. In that scenario, both partners are being selfish: one for selfishly withholding, the other for selfishly demanding. The way you get out of that is talk, consideration, and BOTH partners giving — in other words, finding something you can both live with.
The biggest problem with your situation, in my opinion, is that you can’t talk about it. It’s really not about having sex three to five times a day or three to five times a month. I think twice a week is about average, but statistical averages don’t matter in relationships: you’re not in a relationship with a statistic, but with a person. So the bottom line: you don’t seem to have an avenue for change or for communication, and that’s what needs to change most. Tell him you need to be able to talk about it, and if you can’t, start working on splitting up. Better now than after you’re married and have kids.
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Reblogged this on Human Relationships and commented:
I would love to read more comments from our male writers about this issue!
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sounds like you need to establish true emotional intimacy, quite different than physical intimacy.
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It all comes down to communication. Its normal to want each other sexually when we’re first dating. But when this relationship started he wanted it more than she did and she gave it to him. Now that she wants it and he doesn’t he isn’t willing to compromise. What? I know that with any relationship the sex dwindles especially if you’re living together. Life gets in the way. but to have it stop all at once there is something else going on in his head. The one he does the thinking with.
In the beginning you would see each other and before you said Hello your clothes were on the floor and you were taking care of business. Now that she has become accustom to getting sex every day, and three or four times a day she wants it at least once a day.
Relationships are about compromise. Give and take. And if there is no communication then what do you really have? He’s being selfish by not letting her know what’s going on in his small pea brain sized brain. When a woman gets used to having orgasms on a regular basis we actually want it and need it.
Do they have anything else in common? Or was this whole relationship about the sex. Is he seeing someone else? She should try walking around the house in some sexy nighties or just thigh highs and see how he reacts to that. Get out her vibrator and get herself off with the bedroom door open so that he knows she isn’t waiting for him. If he still doesn’t want her and he won’t talk about it then it’s time to move out. No woman should have to beg for sex.
I’ve been with my hubby for 30 yrs and we still have sex twice a week sometimes more. I write a Sex w/Annie blog here on WordPress. It’s about relationships and how couples can get their mojo back. Sex has changed since I was in my twenties. But relationships still take work, and the one thing I always stress in my post is that without communication there is no relationship.
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If you average it out, from the go-go days in the beginning till now… you’re probably still getting it more often than the average bear. Good luck!
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Since no two couples are the same it’s difficult to say with certitude what to do. But I voted for a problem. While you can expect fluctuations in sex drive in any relationship from one or both partners I don’t believe one or other just goes off sex when there has been so much activity without some underlying reason. It’s such an intrinsic part of a loving relationship. Even if all that is happening is touch. He seems distant to the point of exclusion. There must be a reason.
Do you love him enough to want to wait and find out? Does he love you enough to share and do something about it?
I can only go from experience of my own relationship and those of others I have been allowed insights to.
I’m 53, with the same partner for over thirty years and we still want sex. If one or other has gone off – and there have been times – there’s an underlying reason. Solve that. Someone mentioned communication. Whether that’s in words or actions the truth is that nothing survives without it.
I wish you well. I don;t think you’re a sex fiend asking for more than is normal. You’re a woman with needs. He has them too. Its natural. Where have they gone is the question. Only he can answer that.x
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Deep insights from someone with experience, thank you for commenting!
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From the little knowledge I have, I would suggest you to get it sorted with your partner. Have a quick word and I guarantee that things would improve.
As they say, what goes up comes down, if there was a peak period there should also be a dry spell. Take this opportunity to understand each other and get things sorted, better to not force it.
Cheers
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I have lived in Mexico for 13 years and since you yourself have seen fit to mention that your boyfriend is of Hispanic descent, I don’t feel it is unseemly to consider this as a contributing factor in your dilemma. Time and time again, I have been told by both my Mexican and expat friends that Mexican men have this virgin/whore attitude toward women. It is possible that as his feelings toward you mature, he is seeing you more in the light of someone he respects in a family way, i.e. as a sister or a mother, and that physically this creates a problem for him. Don’t know if you have considered this, but it is a factor that makes many many Mexican men look for sexual thrills outside of their marriage while maintaining the “proper” love and respect for their wives.
I hope everything works out for you but also want to add that the older I get, the more I realize that the only person I have the power to change is myself. Take the actions that will make you happy in your life. It is possible that when you do, it will bring about a change in your boyfriend, but don’t ever “expect” this to happen. You are not yet married. Do what you have to do to get what you need out of life. If this is not possible with your boyfriend, look elsewhere. No one told me this early enough in my life to be of benefit, but it is certainly what life has taught me.
Wishing you the best, Judy
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Reblogged this on butterflycaged and commented:
Brilliant post…..read for yourself and see, definitely worth a go 🙂
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The comments here are all right. If sex has stopped altogether, something is up and you need to really start communicating. What is wrong? It is physical or emotional? Sure, it could be that he’s embarrassed, but if he is not communicating and he is acting like you are trying to jump his bones too much, something is off. Total red flags there. Most guys love that kind of attention. Is he doing something outside of your relationship? Are there parts of his life that seem suspicious or just don’t add up? You have to ask yourself these questions.
With the second guy I dated, I was totally loyal, but at some point, I knew something was wrong. You just know as a woman. Even if the sex was normal, the distance was killing me. I knew something was wrong, but I ignored it and pretended it would go away. Well, later I found out he’d cheated at least once. Who knows how many other people he had been with? But, I was crushed. I don’t care now, of course, because that experience led me to finding someone so much better for me.
As a woman, you know when something is off with your relationship. One person here said something about intimacy. Another person mentioned “touch”. Touch is so important in a relationship. Even if you’re not having sex, just touching that person makes you feel closer. If he still looks at you the same way (with love) or holds you, even touches you in a way that you know he loves you, then the problem may be related to something physical.
You need to start communicating big time. Silence kills, believe me. Just going on in the pattern you’re currently in is only going to put more of a strain on you and your relationship. Start talking about what’s going on. Even if you have to pull the “I feel like you don’t want me anymore” line, at least it gets things going. If he gets defensive and makes excuses, use your instincts to try to tell what’s really going on. Women “know” when something is off, like I said before. If it is a personal issue, like he physically can’t do it anymore, yeah, he may be embarrassed, but it’s not going to change how you feel about him and in that case, you can urge him to see a doctor. Maybe there’s an underlying problem. And maybe it’s just stress.
Even if it’s none of those things, it shouldn’t stop the gestures he makes to show you he truly loves you. Sex isn’t everything, but true intimacy is important. And part of intimacy is closeness and communication. Without it, you may as well chalk up your relationship to something that used to be just sex. Find out what’s going on beneath the surface. Once you have that answer, you’ll know whether to keep working at it or just move on. Like someone else commented, you have to take care of yourself. You have to do what you need to do, no matter where that takes you. And if you have feelings for him, you owe it to yourself to find out the problem.
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That happened to me with my ex girlfriend, except this girl I´m quite sure she is a sex addict, you said 5 times a day, imagine 8! My little me hurted like hell, just saying I have no shame. But I got tired don´t know why and I too couldn´t finish, my head was in another place maybe because you get bored? I would go out 2-7 days, out I mean I would disappear with some lame excuse about having work in some other town and then I could return and have her way all the day if she wanted. In my defense I will say that she was fucking her roomate, and not so subtlety regarding me specially when you are in the kitchen and you literally hear her moaning, peek through the hall and see the guy coming out of her room and she go straight to the bathroom to clean up. I knew she was promiscuous so I didn´t take it all that bad, actually when I saw the guy I smiled at him and said how´s the day going? He´s face was the same, a smile back as in saying what a whore.
But we still get together once in a while, I know she nails every guy in town so I might as well be part of the party.
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Hi there,
I have to say I empathize with what you wrote because I’ve been in situations like what you describe. I’m a guy and I behaved like your boyfriend in my past. There are several reasons for that.
Firstly, I’d like to say that I regret my behavior, mainly because I never told the girl why I was like that.
For me, the main reason was the fact that we moved in together pretty early into the relationship (like 5 months after starting to date). The thing about moving in together is that the “mystery” barrier breaks down. Suddenly, you are exposed to whatever your partner does in his/hers private moments and how they look when they wake up, when they feel ill and whenever. This breaks down a lot of the “magic” of intimacy and therefore the attraction.
My advice for you is to minimize (as far as possible) any thing you wouldn’t do in front of a new boyfriend that you don’t live with (e.g. don’t leave the door open when you go to the bathroom, or even better, use the bathroom when he’s not at home; and so on.. I know it’s hard to apply, but just try).
Moreover, for me, one of things that made me lose my attraction to my ex was that a couple of months after moving in together she started neglecting her own personal care. It was, among other things, not removing body hair, gaining a few more kilograms and small things like not wearing make-up or her hair as it was before. I’m aware it’s much harder to maintain these things when you live together, but that’s the cause for that “mystery” loss.
And for initiating sex.. if he tells you he wants to initiate, wait for him to initiate. Don’t be pushy. That’s a turnoff. If you work on restoring that “mystery” barrier, he’d remember what it was in the beginning and would initiate.
I hope that helps..
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Great personal experience and insight. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Thanks for sharing, there are lots of great advice here, one thing you might want to consider is going away to spice things up. Maybe take a vacation, spend time talking, walking, enjoying the sites. You might be surprised what getting away from daily life, stress, friends, TV, Computers/Phones the always on mode of life can do to spice it up romantically.
Focus on spending time together and I bet that the bedroom intimacy will come on its own. No pressure, no discussion on sex. You might just surprise each other!
Good Luck, sounds like its worth working out further.
You might even consider seeing an expert together, as you mention if when you speak to him directly you become defensive, it might make matters more difficult vs better. Having an expert to mediate should help.
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I kind of get where you’re coming from. My boyfriend and I humped like rabbits twice a day for the first year of our relationship… but I think because it’s new and you’re just falling in love, that honeymoon period is made for constant sex 24-7.
Now I’ve realized that I have a higher sex drive than he does. So, whenever I want some I don’t say ANYTHING… I don’t ask… and I don’t initiate. I make his favorite dinner, or I make him a drink and let him pick the movie that night. I wear something lower, something shorter, something see through… you have to make men feel like it’s THEIR idea. If I’m just like, “Hey you haven’t banged me in four days hellooooo I’m horny! What’s wrong with you?!” That’s annoying and can be conceived as nagging… slow it down girl, and learn how to seduce your man.
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