Who Am I to Say, but…
After years of exploring the dating pool, I think now I kind of understand why elders tell young people to date a lot before getting married. Yeah, of course, you need to polish your list of standards, but more than that, so that when you finally meet “the one,” you’d appreciate his/her manners, understanding of your flaws, non-cheating habits, polite manners towards not just you but to everyone, maturity, common decency, and etc.
Sure, love at first sight and all the other cliché love notions are great, but after the chase and months of sucking each others face, you kind of grow bored of admiring how beautiful he is. Then you start realizing his annoying habit of chewing with his mouth open or his obnoxious rudeness towards waiters. Fights happen, and the relationship ends. I enjoyed these fast-paced relationships in my early 20’s, as they were both exhilarating and temporary. If he had a flaw I couldn’t overlook, I wasn’t sad or dreading the breakup; I was discreetly excited and hopeful for what my next relationship would bring. Love meant being loved, being admired, being cared for, being appreciated, and being apologized to. It didn’t mean loving someone unconditionally or ‘dun-dun-dun’ forever. However, now that marriage is in the near future, I realize that I can’t run away from relationships whenever I encounter a problem. Sometimes, I just need to suck it up and deal with the problems, which almost all the time are mine. And below is a short list was what I learned as the lover and the loved.
A KEEPER
@ Despite all the fights (and by all, I mean the frivolous to the in-your-face kinda ones), s/he still wants to work it out.
@ When s/he does something wrong, s/he sincerely apologizes for it (and makes effort to not repeat the same mistake).
@ Someone who makes me a better person by encouraging and by being an example (because after a while, couples reflect each other).
@Someone who knows how to forgive and appreciate.
A LOSER
@ A selfish person who is lenient on one’s own mistakes/flaws/faults but not on those of others’.
@ Someone who doesn’t know how to say I’m sorry or thank you.
@ A liar. (because they’re usually pathological) Ooh, cheaters count, too!
@ Someone who clearly doesn’t put any effort into improving the relationship.
P.S. For all my readers, thank you for all the comments and inputs! I love reading them! 🙂
Love and it’s perils. Why does it get harder the older we get!!!!
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Exactly my point! 😦 Does it ever get any easier??
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Interesting post! I guess we will never know the secrets of finding true love
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People say that you’ll know when you meet “the one,” but it seems so surreal. Thanks for reading my post! 🙂
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Then you see couples that have been together 30 years break up. I think it’s best not to over think it. No worries! I definitely enjoyed it 🙂
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You’re right. Nothing ever gets done with overthinking. Thank you! 🙂
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“Sometimes, I just need to suck it up and deal with the problems, which almost all the time are mine.”
Beautifully put. And therein lies the keys to peace and a growing relationship that grows as you do.
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You’re totally right; as I acknowledge my faults and work towards them, I grow more as a person. Thanks for the wise words! 🙂
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Reblogged this on Mind and Body and commented:
This is a good article about choosing the right partner.
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Reblogged this on robertvenegas and commented:
Love can be dangerous or the best feeling in the world
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Interesting. So complicated and yet, so simple. Some things just won’t ever make sense and I think love is one of them. With your values held closeby and your radar for unconditional love preset, you can still run into problems. Relationships are difficult, perplexing, and sometimes completely depressing to say the least. My grandmother would always say “if you need a Xanax in a relationship, you’re doing good. If you don’t, run, it’s not real!” Who knows!
Loved the post
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Your grandmother’s words are so touché! 🙂 I guess the fun of relationships lies in the process of two completely different people trying to figure out one piece of puzzle at a time. Thanks for visiting my blog! 🙂
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Thanks! Grandma’s are always cute! When they speak, we often don’t listen. But when the moment is right, we remember it somehow. 😉
All the best.
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Very insightful! Enjoyed it 🙂
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Thank you!! 🙂
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Great post! I just wanted to address some of the comments about ever finding true love. You can. I did. After years of choosing the wrong men, thinking I had to compromise and put up with stuff, I finally worked out what I wanted. I started keeping a list, a bit like yours, as every relationship would show me things I was looking for (“I loved his sense of fun”) and things I wasn’t (“He was a workaholic and I never got to see him”). I had quite a long list! Then I read “Are you the one for me” and the author extends this process into looking for qualities in a partner. What qualities are you looking for? There are dozens that we need to click with apparently to be compatible (sexual stuff, moral stuff, financial stuff etc). I wrote a long list (after reading the book). I had over 50 things I wanted in a man! Jeez, how would I ever find that? Yet, the week I wrote that list, I met my husband. There is no accident in that, when I knew exactly what I needed, I saw it. Maybe before writing that list, I might have overlooked him. He actually ticks every single box I had. We met in Feb 13, and married at Christmas. So I just wanted to say, it is possible! Don’t sell out, find that one person for you! (I’ve written about this on my blog http://peppermintsea.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/what-are-you-looking-for-in-a-partner/ if you want to know more). 🙂
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After reading your comment, the first thing that popped into my head was “I don’t want to settle!” 🙂 I believe true love is out there (maybe already next to me?) and we just need to appreciate, evaluate, and make effort to be “the one” ourselves, I guess. Thank you for your lovely comment! 🙂
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No don’t settle (compromise maybe on hair colour, age, occupation….) but never settle on the *qualities* you are looking for. And never ever settle for someone who doesn’t treat you how you know you deserve to be treated! Have you read the books by Greg Behrendt? They really make you think about what crap we put up with from guys. (I did a post about his books too!). Take care!
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This is so good!. Thanks for the follow,you’ve got a really good blog here.
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Wow, thank you! 🙂 Enjoying yours also!
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i must be different, as i dont like new relationships. i dont like waiting if he kisses me or do i have to make the first move. I just hate it. just because of it, i would prefer to stay with one person, never break up, even if he drives me crazy… I know it’s stupid
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I totally understand you. I like’d’ new relationships when I was younger because it seemed so exciting and promising, kind of like getting a new paper because I messed up my old one. Now, old but comfortable relationships are more valuable since I know that we put so much work and effort into the relationship. 🙂
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Nice insights! 🙂
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Thanks! 🙂 have a great night!
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This is all so true! It breaks my heart whenever I see couples who’ve been together for 20+ years breaking up/divorcing… I think to myself, “Shouldn’t they have learned how to deal with problems by now??” But then, maybe they never really did learn how to deal and just buried their hurts in the relationship until they were too great to overlook. Sad.
It’s great to know that people (like you) are working on themselves – it makes relationships so much richer!!
Also, thank you for following me!! I love reading your thoughts!
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Reblogged this on Human Relationships.
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*in tears* wow. you read my mind. I’m so spamming you with comments on every blog but it’s so true. My ex had all the qualities of a keeper .. but he still dumped me & honestly I’ve just been blogging all along to keep myself busy and thanks for such amazing articles! 🙂 ❤
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Don’t worry about it! Who doesn’t like getting spammed with lovely comments? Haha. But I hope you find someone who truly values even your itty bitty tiniest bits. 🙂 good luck!
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I read a blog called The Daily Love, and one of the most important qualities it’s taught me is to Love YOURSELF first, it’s also equally important to know yourself too. I had a bit of an Ahh Haa moment a few weeks back, perhaps it’s a good time to share it. I’m currently single, and don’t exactly have the job or carer I thought I’d have. I sometimes ask myself why I haven’t found “The One”, but I’ve also been asking myself if I’ve actually put in the work to find what I’m looking for. I read an article written by Mike Rowe, the guy from “Dirty Jobs” Anyway he was giving career advice to someone, and the jist of it was “Be willing to put in the work, you might not have what you want now, but you need to put in the work.” Sometimes I feel that we all approach relationships and life in general from a perspective of entitlement, meaning we feel that things should happen for us because… The reality is that everything we want we have to work for. Those couples who are happier after 30 years than when they first started, worked for it. Now the caveat is that there will be plenty of bad times, taking time to work on your relationship doesn’t mean that you’re immune from things going wrong. The health of your relationship is determined by what you do, “For better or worse, in sickness or health, good and bad etc”
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You’re absolutely right. No relationship, job, or anything can be done with no effort. Choosing to be happy with someone always requires that much work of understanding the other person, loving when it seems impossible, and realizing that I’m not perfect yet s/he is with me. Thank you so much for your comment. 🙂
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