Heartbeat: Old vs Fresh
Here’s a story from a girl in her mid-late twenties. Please read and share your thoughts! And don’t forget to vote!
“I met my boyfriend in college and we’ve been dating for over 5 years. He’s a nice and very understanding guy. But he’s been so busy at work lately that we haven’t been able to see each other often lately. So… I’ve been bugging him. I was lonely.
Anyways, so last summer I met a friend that I’ve known since 6 years ago. We have a lot in common and he’s really easy to talk to. We hadn’t seen each other for a long time, and maybe that’s the reason but when I saw him, he was very… attractive.
After a while, we decided to meet up again. But for some reason… I did a full body scrub, shaved, wore hot lingerie, dressed up and even wore new high heels. Since I usually spend time with my boyfriend at home, it really felt like a real date.
We started drinking. I got a little tipsy and sat next to him. I leaned on his shoulder and rested my hands on his thighs. Needless to say, that night we ended up confirming chemistry between us that was far beyond typical friendship.
Since then, I told him, “I have a boyfriend, but I like you too. Is that OK?”
He said he just wanted to be with me, in whatever role or relationship possible. So thus started our new relationship. At first, I thought it was just a physical attraction, lust. But as we continued to see each other, everything was just perfect.
The problem is, my boyfriend is the same. I love them both. I love my boyfriend because he’s relaxed and very understanding. But he doesn’t focus on me as much. On the other hand, the other guy just focuses on me. Only me. His downside is that he’s a little sensitive so it can be tiring at times.
My boyfriend has a handsome face, but his sense of fashion or physique can be disappointing at times. The other guy isn’t as handsome as my boyfriend, but he has as really nice body and dresses just the way I like. He’s also got a bit more money than my boyfriend.
I can’t help but love both of them. The best part is that since I’ve met this guy, my relationship with my boyfriend has gotten better too. I could say everyone’s happy!
Well I’m not as young as I used to be and need to start thinking about getting married. I consider this my last ‘love affair’. My boyfriend whom I’ve loved for a long time, and this fresh new guy. I can’t choose. He’s said that as long as my boyfriend doesn’t know, he’s fine with keeping it this way.
What should I do? Can I keep this up?”
If you enjoyed this post, please share with your friends!
If you have your own story that you’d like to share, please Share your Heartbeat! We would love to post your story so others can chip in and help.
Check out some of our past Heartbeat stories:
Heartbeat: Obesity and Physical Attraction
Heartbeat: Broken Childhood Love
Heartbeat: I like you but I like my Guy friends too
Heartbeat: Friends with Benefits?
abs love this
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Glad you did..! Did you vote? Please share with friends so they can voice their opinion too. Thanks!
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Dear Girl in her mid-late twenties:
1. You’re not married, so have fun.
2. AFTER you’re married, your husband will go through times when he pays no attention to you. (not unlike EVERY married person on the face of this earth)
3. Develop the SKILL to communicate to your Boyfriend (and later your husband) that you like and need attention and let him know what “good attention” looks like to you. No one is a mind reader, neither Boyfriends nor Husbands. ASK Politely for what you want. If you sit around and wait and stew about them not being mind readers you’ll never be satisfied.
4. Use this skill for the rest of your life. You’re gonna need it. I’ve been married for 20 years to my absolute best friend. He forgets about me sometimes cause he’s “Busy” in his own head….or with golf, work, his friends, the couch, the TV, the newspaper. I’ve learned how to remind him (with a funny request and a smiley twinkle in my eye…..switch it up…they like a mix up in requests…..) and it works perfectly…..I get what I need.
5. It sounds complicated, but being happily married means You’re in charge of your own happiness.
6. Long term Boyfriends are NO different than long term husbands….In fact, long term husbands are worse after the twilight honeymoon….then they TOTALLY get better with age. Unlike ANYTHING you’ve ever been able to know in your youth. Develop the skills you’ll use for a lifetime.
7. I’ve been where you are, I’ve been there…… you’ve never been where I am, you’re too young and can’t see into your future. If you’re lucky and hit the lottery ten times over you’ll end up right where I am.
8. Best of Luck!! You can do it!! If I can do it you can! i see a happy future for you.
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Let your heart rule this time …
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I think one of the biggest dilemmas in love is listening to your heart vs your brain!
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The heart is fickle. I love the name of your blog BTW. Follow your mind. You’d hate to lose what you love and what will treasure you for someone that will only tolerate you. Forever. Is a long time. Your happiness depends on it. Ask God to help ☺
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Thank you for the great advice. The blog name was a real headache, took forever to think of! And glad someone likes it 🙂 Forever is indeed a long time. Please share with your friends, it’d be great to have a greater audience vote and voice their opinions.
Thank you!
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Tough decision and I don’t known if a vote will help you make the right one. If your boyfriend has been busy, maybe he needs your understanding and patience now more than ever. Try talking to him at a time when you are both calm and both actually willing to listen. The dress code and money are only garnish. And the core is what matters. Because looks and pocket size change. But honesty, loyalty don’t. Good luck
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Indeed, it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, right? This is a story for someone we know, and we’re hoping that more people will vote and let us know what they think. Because if many think the same thing, there’s definitely truth and logic behind it. Thank you!
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She also needs to realize that the difference in care and attention by both is natural. Perhaps go back to the earlier parts of the old relationship and try to remember his level of attention then. As we get used to people in our life it is normal to take their presence for granted. We all do it, even if not intending to. The new is also always more exciting, but eventually it also gets old. I’m not suggesting staying with the old or taking the new. I’m merely saying look beyond the current circumstance and see a bigger picture. Also if she is thinking marriage, then she needs to think of the kind of husband she needs and the kind of father to her children she thinks is best. Only she can know this. Again. Good luck
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Also and sorry for the bombardment. She mentions herself that time spent with old is usually at home and casual while on her date for the new, she put a lot of effort in her appearance, etc. Which means this effort is not given to the old. She needs to realise this, and understand why … And maybe put some effort herself in the old relationship before deciding to end it. Either way; it’s not fair for either for her to linger and it’s not fair of the new guy to encourage her infidelity, even if only emotional. Often emotional betrayal is worse than physical.
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I wish I could “like” your comment. Thank you!
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Hehe. Pleasure. Thanx
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I think, new is always exciting. Always. But old is furnace-purified gold.
Ok, enough trying to be wise on WordPress.
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We appreciate all the advice we can get. I’m sure my friend appreciates it. Thank you!
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It can be very hard and stressful trying to juggle two relationships. You could end up with no one which is okay if you are cool with that. Five years is a long time to have vested in a relationship but it is important to communicate your feelings of wants and needs to one another. Good luck to you and hopefully you figure out what you want for yourself.
Take Care
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Thank you for your advice! It’s great to hear many peoples’ opinions. Please share with others too! 😉
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I just saw Aziz Ansari’s stand up the other night and he had some great analogies about stuff like this, I’m not sure if there’s anything online you could check out.
He basically said that people aren’t meant to be monogamous, and it’s a lot harder now that we carry a “24- hour singles bar in our pocket” (phones), and that it is a lot harder to feel satisfied when there are more choices.
He made a great analogy comparing this to if you were to walk into the biggest chocolate store, with thousands of types of chocolate, and were told you could only pick one. So you try everything that sounds good. Now you have like 2-3 favorites. How can you pick just one? What if you pick the wrong one?
Two of my closest friends have been together for 8 and a half years now. There’s no doubt each of them have had their temptations, but neither has actually done anything. They’ve also been living long distance (2 hours away driving, and now 7) for 5 years now (school). It’s definitely been a struggle for both of them, but it’s the craziest thing in existence in these times.
I will always be pro-long-term love, as long as you’re not miserable. I would say try to work things out, be honest. The girl in the relationship that I just described has felt like the guy wasn’t being affectionate enough and has called him out on it a couple times, and he’s always responded to it. She only had to threaten him once (threatening is less crazy the longer you’ve been together), before he got his shit together and realized again that there were two people in their relationship. I was honestly nervous, being close to both of them, but they’re so strong together that they just make everything work, and are happy as clams.
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Thank you for the great advice. I’m sure your words will help my friend make the best decision for herself!
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The relationship between the girl and his boyfriend is getting better because she feels better about herself and everything. If her primary relationship is not good enough for her, I think the decision is clear. Quit the old guy and go on with the new guy so everyone has the chance to meet some one they really love, that’s all :))
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Thank you! A new perspective, go with the new one so the old one can meet someone new too!
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🙂 That’s exactly what I mean
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personal opinion: neither one of the relationships seems like a good foundation for what she truly wants- a stable marriage.
My advice: quit both, concentrate on herself for a long while, learn right from wrong and live up to just values.
Then when she is closer to being the type of person she would want to be with, then look for a guy who recognizes her worth and is worthy of her.
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Some time for self reflection would definitely help too, I’m sure she’ll take it into consideration! 😉
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It is a tough one but I’m all for the sensitive new guy.
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It is indeed a tough one, thank you for your advice/input!
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WOW!! who’s to say the old guy will want her after he finds out that she’s been sneaking around behind his back with some other guy….maybe he wants to choose his life partner based on character rather than shallow looks and fickle attractions? (sorry, guess I’m just an old divorced mom so my opinion is a bit jaded?!)
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Good stuff, we need opinions from a diverse group of people and we appreciate your input! (I said Wow too when I heard this and I’m sure many did too!)
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Reblogged this on skpfoto and commented:
Very interesting post… make sure you cast your vote!
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I’ve been in this situation before and it doesn’t end well. The new guy may be ok with what’s going on, but you have to ask why is he ok with it? Lying and being deceitful to her other partner is not good either. Often if you feel the need to cheat, there’s an underlying problem with the relationship in general and the cheating may just be a symptom. Communication could have solved any such problems but instead she went for another guy. They’re way beyond that now. I don’t think the guy who is in the dark is going to have a very good view on her actions when he finds out, and he will probably find out. Cheating is pretty selfish. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Eventually, if she winds up just being with the new guy, will he ever trust her? I have made these same mistakes and regretted hurting someone I loved for someone who honestly didn’t care much. I’ve also been cheated on and that hurts more than anything.
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That’s a good question, why is the new guy ok with it? And you can’t have your cake and eat it too… .great stuff! Thanks for commenting!
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Sure, not a problem, happy to help. I truly hope she figures this one out. 🙂
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I think it was unfaithful of this girl to even get super dressed up to see this other guy. The fact that she clearly tried to make herself as attractive as possible, says a lot about her impulsiveness. I don’t know how she can think it’s ok to keep seeing this new guy, but not in an official way, while also dating the guy she’s been with for 5 years. This is definitely emotional cheating and will likely lead to physical cheating as well. People are not playthings that you can collect. If you’re in a long-term relationship, which five years clearly is, you should be a lot more committed to this person by now. If you are so easily swayed into wanting a new guy, mostly because he is focusing on you and is good looking, that’s extremely shallow. It makes me doubt that this woman was even invested in the 5 year relationship, which confuses me. Why would she stay in it if she was clearly more than open to being with a new person? It actually pisses me off.
I’ve been with my boyfriend now for almost 3 years. I feel very connected to him, and he’s the only guy I’ve been with that has fully accepted me. He has seen all of my issues in full affect, and is still around. That’s not something you can find very often, and his level of commitment and loyalty is definitely appealing. THESE are the kinds of traits you should look for in a mate. The physical attributes are not that important. It’s the person’s soul that matters. Just because this new guy is giving her a lot of attention, does not mean that’s necessarily for a genuine reason either. I wouldn’t doubt that he’s doing so because he’s interested in pursuing her sexually first, and that he knows how to make that happen. This new guy sounds like someone she is infatuated with. Even if she decided that she wanted to break up with the 5 year guy, she shouldn’t immediately jump into a new relationship. That would mean she’s likely doing this impulsively without actually knowing for sure that this is the choice she wants to make, and she’s certainly not considering the magnitude of breaking off a 5 year relationship. I find her whole viewpoint here to be extremely selfish. She likes this new guy a lot because he focuses only on her and because he’s physically attractive? How can you expect a mate to focus only on you? Don’t you want him to be secure enough in himself to remain an individual? Don’t you want him to be his own person?
Ok, I’m done now ha.
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::APPLAUSE:: I totally agree!
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Loyalty and commitment are definitely important traits to look for in a mate. I, personally, can totally relate to your words! Thank you!
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I’d like to agree with this. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, focusing on each other is so much easier and more natural, especially because it’s so exciting. You don’t know everything about this person, you haven’t memorized (or gotten used to) his scent, his look, his personality, yet trying to rub the puzzle pieces together is such a thrill.
I disapprove of this woman’s actions on the basis of me being in a long term relationship for over a year now, with multiple visits, each being better than the last. I believe that when you get used to being with someone, feel more comfortable with them, feel like they won’t leave if you want to spend a night at your friend’s place playing board games, then it can feel less exciting. It might even feel like ‘settling’ or it might just feel boring.
I’ve felt that before. In my belief, that’s when the relationship should have something added to it, and I don’t mean another person. I mean that if you love someone, but things have gotten less intense, then… you’re less two different people and more one conjoined person now. Prove it, by working together to do something great. Volunteer; go on an adventure; change the world; step into the shoes of a homeless person for a couple weeks together; basically, find a challenge that you both want to face that’s outside of the relationship. That will bind you together and make you feel grateful again, when things get tough, I think.
Maybe having kids is a challenge like that.
Anyways, my moral choice is: Stop the fling with this new guy, because if he’s okay with you being with your boyfriend while having this relationship, he seems to be okay with treating your boyfriend unfairly. Tell your boyfriend about this, and the resulting chaos may make or break the relationship. If it breaks, then, well… it’s your fault. Loving someone, truly loving someone, means taking their lives, thoughts, emotions into account with your decisions. But the moment this new guy was given more affection than her boyfriend… that moment was not her loving her boyfriend, that moment was when she had weakness and succumbed, and that’s both understandable and horrid of her.
I think honesty and integrity are the things that keep people together and happy. Start practicing this, and though it may seem hard in the short term, the long term… is worth it.
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An interesting post indeed!! I checked your blog as I saw you visited my blog. What a dilemma…hmmm. I cannot vote though sorry. It is such a personal issue and whatever she decides she has to live with her decision and it has to fit “her” needs. Great story though. Oliana
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Thank you Oliana for visiting and commenting. We understand that it’s a personal issue that she’ll have to decide on herself, but we hope to give the opinion of many to help her decision. It’s a great dilemma indeed, right?
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Indeed it is.
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This girl is completely selfish, and she’s not ready to go to the next level of an LTR.
If after only 5 years you’re gonna cheat on a man who you say has been there for you instead of talking to him about your feelings, then who’s to say what would happen if you two get married? Someone else said it above; Forever really is a long time, and it’s definitely not fair to the other guy who thinks everything is a-okay while you run around with some other guy. And if the other guy is so “okay’ with this, why not question his motives, too?
She needs to let both men go and figure out what it is she really wants out of a committed relationship instead of hurting one guy and stringing along the other.
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Some great perspectives we’re seeing on this post, I think they’ll be great help! Thank you!
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i know a guy who used to be “polyamorous,” meaning he “had a girl in every port,” as the saying goes. since he was a musician who performed live, he was able to get away with it. he also used the novel approach of being honest about his buffet table approach to love and relationships, which meant he never deceived any of the women he was with. eventually he chose one to settle down with (funny enough, unless i’m flattering myself, when i met her at a party before they put their roots down, she appeared to be attracted to me, and my friend had the nerve to be jealous! i guess he wasn’t used to getting a taste of his own medicine. anyway, i hope they’re happy now. at least someone ought to be, right?).
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A traveling musician that settled down with the girl that showed him a taste of his own medicine, that’s a great story! Thank you for sharing!
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Is your boyfriend just busy, or are there things he is afraid to open up about? Which one can you be most yourself with? Which one makes you feel like you can accomplish incredible things and turn dreams into reality? Which one is thinking about marriage and children? You may find during this journey that neither aligns with your future goals. Good luck.
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Well, at first I was for keeping the old guy but then I danced back to going with the new guy. However, it’s a bit more complex than that. A five year relationship has to mean enough to not even allow a new presence to become a part of the scenario in the first place. I know, temptation can be strong but when it comes to love, we must learn to just say NO. It’s much easier to say than it is to do but sometimes we need to be a little tougher on ourselves in order to protect from potential heartbreak. Who’s to say that the new guy is just enjoying the fact that she always comes back to him, even after she’s been with her boyfriend of old. He may be getting some kind of deep satisfaction and fulfillment in knowing that there is something he (the new guy) has that the old guy does not. This alone can be strong enough motivation for him to stay around. The new guy’s ego is getting a generous feeding in knowing that he has gotten her attention and more, in spite of her other lengthy relationship. If she makes the decision to give up her old boyfriend, there’s a huge chance that the new guy will simply lose interest because the whole dynamic will have changed. Whatever factor drew him (new guy) into this menage et tois in the first place, will no longer be present, once she makes the decision to be with only him. It will be just him and her. His true colors will definitely come to the surface once the scene changes.
I can’t end without giving you a similar example that I personally went through when I was about 19. I had been dating this guy for about 1 1/2 years. I was head over heals about him, even though I had been told on several occasions that he was a jerk and a cheater and that I should kick him to the proverbial curb. Being young and stubborn, I ignored all warnings and continued on. On this particular occasion, my boyfriend and I had a huge falling out at which point we decided to give things a break. In the meantime, I attended a fashion show where I met the most gorgeous should-be could-be model looking guy. He was drawn to me like a moth to a flame. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch. After a time, I allowed him to come and visit me at my home where I resided with my parents. He was always a gentleman and always made me feel like I was the only female on his mind and in his world. Once my (at the time) ex-boyfriend got wind of this new guy, he started pouring it on as thick as molasses. He went above and beyond to whoo himself back into my good graces and assured me that things would be different between him and I. He also managed to convince me that the gorgeous guy was a well-known cheater and that I should leave him alone a.s.a.p. Still loving the old boyfriend as I did, I called the new guy and invited him over one day where I told him that I had enjoyed every moment that we had spent together, but that we would have to remain ‘just’ friends. He was so gracious but disappointed. I couldn’t believe that I was standing in my kitchen dismissing this beautiful specimen of a man, but I did….all in the name of love. Would you believe, that as soon as my old boyfriend realized that I had broken things off with my handsome new friend, and that I was back under his influence, he reverted back to his old ways? Cheating and all! It just goes to show that the heart can get you into a lot of trouble, but it sure can be fun getting there! Sorry this is so lengthy but I hope it helps!
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This is a wonderful blog that you have created and you are sure to get some traffic. My personal belief is that the mind is fickle but the heart is true. This lady needs to do the right thing before it erupted in her face. Love, marriage and sex are very special and unique but the world has corrupted God’s special plan for us regarding them. True love has a special place in my heart which I also try to share in my poetry and writings on my blog ‘becoming the oil and wine’. Thank you for following my blog and I will also follow yours. May God bless you as you continue to reach your goal.
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She’s been with the boyfriend long enough that they should know if and when it’s going to become a marriage. It’s nowhere because she has allowed it to be. When the other guy finds someone else she be history. This is a hot mess!
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I was scanning to see if someone else has mentioned polyamory, and it seems like they haven’t, except for the story above about the guy who was poly in name only. The idea behind poly is that everyone in the relationship has the right to start other relationships, but everything has to be open and honest. My sister and her husband are poly. Right now she has two boyfriends and her husband has two girlfriends. One of her boyfriends has a fiance and the other is married. The wife and the fiance in turn each have their own boyfriends. Not only do they all know about each other, but they are friends. It’s not uncommon for them to all go to parties together.
For all of them, it works because they have all found they can easily fall in love with two or more people, without their love for any of their previous partners diminishing in the slightest. It wouldn’t work for me, because I don’t work that way. When I love someone, I can’t take my eyes off of them. I don’t even fantasize about movie stars when I’m in a relationship. I think there’s something of a poly-mono orientation, similar to sexual orientations. Some people could never do poly, some people can’t be happy in a monogamous relationship and some people could go either way.
If the girl in the story finds this kind of thing happens to her a lot, it could be a sign that she’s not cut out for monogamy. Right now she is emotionally cheating, and someone will get hurt. There is still room for people to get hurt in poly, but it’s an honest kind of hurt. A partner can feel like their lover is neglecting them in favor of an exciting new relationship, but all three can talk about that and come up with a resolution, like a fun date night for the old relationship. When everything is fair and above board, compromises can be reached.
If, on the other hand, this is an unusual occurrence, this probably means her relationship with the old boyfriend isn’t as good as she is telling herself it is. Going after the new guy might not be the right solution either. The problem might not be the guy, but her. Maybe she needs to figure some things out for herself as a single person before she’s ready for any relationships, poly or monogamous.
So I guess my vote goes to both or neither.
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I am in a similar position so I found this post very interesting,
However I am the new guy.
She has been with her old boy for 9 months and she says she love him. He was away she was lonely and we met through my little sister. We talk for hours about everything and I really like her I think I love her but its only been two weeks so she says I’m infatuated. I don’t think I have ever been in love then, I was only infatuated a couple a times. But I think If I don’t love her yet then I surely will one day.
we kinda had sex but neither of us came because it was interrupted twice while I was inside her. She feels bad about her bf cause he took her virginity and made her promise not to hurt him. If he finds out we had sex then he will definitely be hurt.
She says he is judgmental. But I’m always open about stuff. Her boy will be back soon in a couple a weeks and she is kinda busy so I wont see her for a while now. She says she wants him to leave her because she don’t want to hurt him. She sounds confused she even confuses me at times. I know she wants me but she says she love him.
I don’t know what to do. I know he loves her because who could be with such an angel and fall in love with her. He is younger around her age and I am way older…..so she could just be going through a phase.
I worry that when her old bf returns all her feelings for him is going to come back and she going to hate me for tearing them apart. Well thats what she said. I tried to resist her and told her we should be friends and I wont touch her again. She got upset and went home. Couple minutes later we are talking on facebook until she’s over my house and we are making out.
We had sex yesterday. I was kind a sick so johnny boy was’nt springing into action. I fingered her and got turned on to how she was acting on my fingers. Then we had sex but my mom came home about 3 mins in.
What should I do Now?
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Babylon, I can’t believe I missed your reply – I sincerely apologize. I noticed on your blog you posted about this, do you want to send me a story and we can have it featured on our blog? I wish you all the best of luck!
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Maybe I’m just crazy judgemental or something, but unless she and her boyfriend explicitly agreed that their relationship was an open one, the only decent thing to do is put her ‘fresh’ relationship on pause and tell her boyfriend that she’s been cheating on him. If she’s seriously thinking about marrying either one of these guys she needs to be open and honest about things as early as possible. I don’t think it bodes well for any marriage she might enter into, however, if she’s cheating on her long-term boyfriend and doesn’t really feel any guilt about it.
I know we’re working on what information is provided to us and that this may not be the whole story, but it really bothers me that her long-term boyfriend’s feelings don’t seem to matter. It’s like she’s looking at both men as pieces of meat. “This one ages better; this one is a more expensive cut.” Marriage is supposed to be a bigger deal than picking the guy with the right combination of positives; its about love, and it doesn’t sound like she loves either one of these guys all that much to me.
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Your comment made our day too, your brother shared our website and you loved it! Thank you for visiting and commenting 🙂 we hope you’ll share with more people too!
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Old is gold!
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Young girls need older matured men for love and in life. Happy relationships in private not in public like animals
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mate or not depends on the male.
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Ever consider polyamory? Many people are involved in dual relationships – specifically because one mate does not seem to be able to keep up with the needs, wants and desires one has. It’s hard, at first, to be so open with everyone, to get everyone’s approval and agreement. But – and this can be the scariest part for everyone – it’s when we share the truth that we find out the extent of our love for each other.
I have yet to be involved in a polyamorous relationship that involved sex with two men, but I can’t help but love – endlessly – the men I’ve loved; and, if I could have it that way, I’d keep all of my relationships as open and free as possible.
Consider what you consider best for yourself, for your heart, for your integrity – and remember that true integrity is *integral* – which means: body, mind, heart, spirit, all as one.
Many people are managing to make this kind of relationship work, these days. Consider in yourself your reasons for marrying… and what you want most out of your relationships… and that you might not need to compromise anything in yourself.
Be strong, be true.
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This is a very interesting concept that’s new to me. Thank you for informing me!
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I say go for it! Keep it up! Have some fun. I feel like you and I are going through the exact same thing.
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I hope this post has been able to help you as well then! If not, please feel free to share your own story! (skpman.hsk@gmail.com)
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Just a quick heads up from my side. Keep this in mind that you don’t get every good quality in one person. If a guy is smart and talented, he might not be emotionally attached or financially well off. So it’s up to you to decide what you really want in a guy? Is it his looks or his finances or his smartness or whatever!!! I hope you get my point. I hope whatever you decide in your life makes you happy.
And about seeing both of them at the same time, I don’t feel its a great idea unless you, your boyfriend and the other guy are just into having fun. Its not going to end well otherwise and is definite to give a heartbreak. I think you should set your priorities and stick to one. It can save you some headache.:)
Again wishing you all the very best life has to offer 🙂
Cheers
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The new guy is okay with her being in another relationship? If he was really into her he’d ask for her to make up her mind before things got this far. Sounds like he just wants to have some fun on the side right now. If she breaks up with her boyfriend for the fresh meat she has to realize that’s what she’s getting herself into. Also, this new guy knows she’s cheating on her boyfriend. Does she want to start a new relationship with trust issues already built into it? What’s to say she’s not going to start looking around for someone else when she’s with him?
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Men and women are mutually desired/needed
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I think she has to seriously think about what she wants. In the long term, you can only have one person, unless both are cool with sharing and most guys aren’t. If she has to lie to the one she supposedly “loves”, then it’s not real love. Believe me, there is a real difference between loving someone and being “in love”. She just has to decide which one really gets to her at her core, her heart, and which one doesn’t. Sure, new is exciting, but that is a temporary high. What about the future? And money doesn’t buy happiness. It’s nice to have expensive gifts, but the one who truly loves her will show how he feels in the ways that count.
Also, if the one boyfriend doesn’t have a lot of time for her, maybe it’s time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart and see if he’s still interested. She should be honest with him about her interest in this other man. If she is seriously cheating and her current boyfriend doesn’t know, that just causes all kinds of trouble. Honesty is better than him finding out by accident and getting hurt later. He will probably still be upset, but it’s better for him to know now. He needs a choice too. If he loves her and can forgive her, maybe he will fight for her. Maybe he will realize he’s been negligent and he will show her why she fell in love with him in the first place. This is a time to seriously evaluate who is the best person she should be with and it should start with honesty. If the original boyfriend wants nothing to do with her after all that, then she has her answer. He didn’t care enough to fight for the right to have her.
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This is a tough one. Honestly and without all the facts, it sounds like you aren’t ready to commit (to either). One is new and exciting – the other is stable and boring. As another blogger mentioned, both are part of a long term relationship. I’d focus less on them (the men) and more on you. What are you looking for in a mate? What makes you comfortable? What traits matter? Looks and physiques fade, you (and they) are left with actual human beings. Take a short break from both and consider your heart and your head. If you cannot make a decision to chose one, consider keeping both (but be honest with your boyfriend) or choose neither. This is part of growing up (not always the fun part!). Good luck, and let us know what transpires.
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From someone who is probably even older than Staci: I think Staci Gregor gives you sound advice. You are in charge of your own happiness. This means developing discernment.
Regarding loneliness, I think: 1) each of us in charge of not being lonely; 2.) finding things you like to do that are interesting and entertaining that can be done alone, with women friends or in a casual group is important because relying on a man or two to prevent loneliness’ will NEVER work 100% of the time
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I completely understand these emotions as well as the physical desires that go along with them. The one thing I have cone to understand about attraction is that it doesn’t always indicate a need to change partners or start a new tangled knot in a relationship rope. I discovered through an attraction of my own which, thankfully and painfully went nowhere, that we are very much attracted to someone who possesses qualities which we fell are missing, either within ourselves or in our current relationship. There will always be missing parts unless the two partners are fully evolved as humans or one is simply more passive, content to be molded to the other’s vision of what that relationship should be. I wish to God it was just okay to act on every larger than life attraction that came along. My favorite movie is Same Time Next Year. But in reality these situations don’t play out like the movies. At some point it is bound to get very sticky. You may be single now and just having fun, but there is no magic spell that erases sexual attraction once you do commit to a marriage. It isn’t about what is right or wrong in succumbing to desire or attraction. In practical terms, hoe many lives are you ready to be responsible for damaging? You can’t line boyfriends up like chess pieces, one for every thing you want in a man. What do you feel is missing in yourself? I think you will be surprised at what you find.
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Life is a journey of learning who we are. Whenever we find ourselves in these kind of dilemmas of the heart,it means we have some deep soul searching to do and hard questions to ask of ourselves. This is not about the two guys, this is about the two you’s. They reflect the two poles within yourself that are crying out for your attention. In our twenties we have developmental issues as we mature from a young adult into the next stage, and that is where you are in your life…if you do not dig deep into yourself and have that conversation with yourself, do know that the situation will choose for you, eventually, and if you don’t like the outcome, it is due to your own self neglect…
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Two words…selfish and pathetic!
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Hey @heartbeat you know my story. This is almost a replica of my situation only in the story i am the OLD, always there for her for everything but was a little lacking in the attention department adult life hit….full time job, student loan, moving plans. Got cheated on for 8 months and left behind.
This is a typical example of “Grass is Greener”. At the end of the day people should do what makes them happy but you also have to understand that in this situation you are carry other peoples feelings and heart in tow. She happens to be in a relationship not just dating around. You cant just decide one they that you aren’t feeling the relationship and decide to go out to see what’s out there. From what i understand the girl hasn’t really talked to him about it.
Also has she taken the time to think about this new guy? This guy knows you are in a relationship and is still pressing that mean he has no respect for that bond. What makes you think he will be faithful to you when he has you? Also if you guys decide to go out just remember he knows that you cheated on your Ex with him do you think he would believe that you wouldn’t do it to him. Be prepared for a control freak because he will try to protect his investment.
The attention will fade, it always does. The question is what remains. Are you looking for someone who will worship you for a time or someone who is ride or die till the end.
A previous commenter was right, it is not the physical cheating that hurts the most, it is the emotional. What hurt me the most was when my Ex told me she had feelings for the new guy, not the sex it was the feelings. That is all that stings to this day.
What you are doing is what is to be done when you are not in a committed relationship.
Cut one off asap and stop playing games. It is damn right selfish and disrespectful.
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